


They Are Not My Sins to Atone For, But I Can Still Try

by anactualforrealadult



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Also zuko gets some therapy, Gay Zuko (Avatar), He's very stressed, I thought of the idea for the fic and it made me so sad, Implied Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Izumi is baby, Kiyi is just here to have a good time and by god shes doing it, Mental Instability, None of it graphic but, Panic Attacks, Parental Zuko, Physical Abuse, Planned murder of a child, Post-Canon, Protective Zuko (Avatar), Slightly more graphic, Trans Zuko (Avatar), Zuko having a bad time, and does not care that people are having A Moment, but he wants to make everything right, but i promise its not all sad, he doesnt know what hes doing but by god hes gonna do it, just the beginning really, lets add unexpected parenthood to that, running a war torn country is too easy, so yall get to be sad too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:34:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29759703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anactualforrealadult/pseuds/anactualforrealadult
Summary: Zuko thinks he might actually be getting his shit together.  But then his mother reappears, from the last place he would think to look and the last place he would ever hope to find her.The tragedy of the last ten years of his life are nothing compared to hers.Zuko accidentally finds his mom, adopts a child he has never met, cries a lot in front of strangers, and finds that maybe he is still worthy of love, in no particular order
Relationships: Kiyi & Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Zuko (Avatar), Ursa & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 25
Kudos: 120





	They Are Not My Sins to Atone For, But I Can Still Try

**Author's Note:**

> Buckle up yall this is sad.
> 
> Ursa has not had a good time, please check the tags. Nothing is graphic, but the fact that any of the stuff is mentioned to have happened is not a great time. Also, I forgot to put it in the beginning tags, but there is one line vaguely referencing pedophilia and child sex trafficking, but I promise it does not have any details, and it is not happening to any of the characters in the story.

Growing up, Zuko had assumed that being the Fire Lord must be an easy job, considering how much time his father had to emotionally manipulate and abuse his children. Now that he has the position himself, he realized that the reality was very different, mostly because Zuko was quite different from his father. 

Well, he did purposely try to be different from the bastard, but it turns out that the biggest difference was that they had very different natural work ethics. Ozai preferred to have underlings and children do all the hard work which he took the credit for, whereas Zuko firmly believed that if you want something done right, you do it yourself. This mentality had gotten him into plenty of problems even before he started running a country, and had even evolved into a secret identity for a hot minute. But it turns out that trying to run a country by yourself is less physically dangerous than breaking the avatar out of a secure prison, but far more likely to cause you to pass out and fall down a set of stairs due to forgetting that sleeping and eating exist. Which he supposes is also pretty physically dangerous.

Anyway.

After a year of nearly killing himself with overwork, Zuko had finally gotten the hang of delegating to people who are definitely more qualified than his eighteen year old self. It still gave him anxiety, for plenty of good (and also stupid) reasons, but all he had to do was imagine Uncle’s disappointed face. And scream into several decorative pillows. 

But there were some things he felt really should be done by the Fire Lord himself, and he had made the executive decision that reviewing the sentences of prisoners in the Capital Prison should be something he should deal with himself. Especially considering that most of the inmates had been put there under orders from his father or grandfather- who were, historically, terrible- and not from the city police force. By the time he was halfway through his review, he had released or drastically reduced the sentences of all but a few people inside. 

Today, he was doing a physical walkthrough, checking names in case files against the inmates present, making sure everyone had a file and was who they were said to be. He was coming up to the end of the review, and was already starting to wonder about the other tasks he wanted to accomplish before his mandated lunch, when one guard meekly approached him and requested a word.

“Sir, there is one inmate here who is in a special cell, hidden deep in the building, and honestly I’m not sure there is even a file on her.” Zuko raised an eyebrow in surprise. “No one knows her name or why she’s in here. But, in my humble opinion, she probably shouldn’t be here.”

“Why don’t we talk about this further in the warden’s office, I’m going to need all the information I need, maybe the file got lost somewhere or-“

“My Lord, there really isn’t much more I know. And what I do know…well it’s hard to explain. It might be easier to just show you.”

Zuko nodded, and let the guard lead the way through the dark tunnels and winding corridors of the prison, eventually going through a series of doors that led to one last one with two guards standing outside. Both of them looked positively shocked to see the Fire Lord, and rushed to bow. 

“At ease, there really is no need.” Zuko hated being bowed to. “I’m here to see the prisoner.” 

The two women gave each other a glace, a short, but silent conversation. One finally spoke up. “Sir, you may want to wait a moment, she is asleep and may startle horribly if she is immediately faced with someone she doesn’t know.”

A kind gesture, but certainly very strange. Such formalities had not been observed all morning, and it was almost as if these guards saw themselves as the caretakers of the prisoner, her protectors. He gave a nod, and one of them slipped into the cell, which wasn’t even locked. Zuko gave a start a moment later when he heard a scream come from inside, but stopped himself from going in when he heard a soft, reassuring voice, almost like someone talking to a child. The voice that had screamed was now speaking in a rambling panicking way, while the other continued to shush and sooth. Finally, it seemed that the prisoner had been calmed, and the guard slipped out of the cell, beckoning Zuko.

“She’s not having a good day mentally, I recommend you approach her slowly and quietly. Don’t make any sudden movements or sounds, we don’t want her to hurt herself out of fright.” The guard’s eyes were pleading, begging Zuko to treat the unknown woman gently. He nodded again, and walked into the cell alone.

The first thing he noticed was the smell, or the lack of it. The rest of the prison was filled with the odor of unwashed bodies and cramped living, but this woman had definitely been taken care of, presumably by the guards. The rest of the cell was otherwise the same as any other, and it still took a moment to recognize that the small bundle of blankets on the bed was in fact a person, curled up tightly facing the wall.

“Hello?” Zuko whispered quietly, but the woman still let out a small yelp in alarm and somehow pulled themselves even tighter together. “My name is Zuko, would it be alright if I talked to you? I want to help you.” 

Very gently, he placed a hand on the woman’s shoulder. She started up immediately, as if she had been burned, and tried to put as much distance between herself and Zuko while still staying on the bed. Facing him now, he could see that her eyes were wide and wild, and she was whimpering and holding herself tight, as if she expected to be hurt.

Before he could assess the woman’s physical state of being, he was drawn back to the wild eyes, the scared face, and instantly saw beyond the years of abuse to a person he had known long ago.

This was no petty thief or common criminal like others here.

This was his mother.

His _mother_. Who had disappeared in the middle of the night ten years ago. Left without more than a quiet goodbye under the cover of darkness. Never spoken of again in the palace. His _mom_ , who had done her best to care for him in the cruel setting that was Azulon’s palace. Who kissed him when he fell, or when he burned himself, or when Ozai beat him. Who told him and Azula magical bedtime stories, before Azula decided they were for babies. Who always insisted that Zuko take care of his baby sister, even though she admitted that she no longer understood her own daughter, the little girl’s mind twisted from Ozai’s attention. The woman who snuck Zuko into the palace kitchen to teach him how to make bread, eating the delicious product by themselves as they tried to keep their giggling quiet. The woman who insisted that the palace staff call Zuko by his new name, not the one he had been given at birth that Ozai and Azulon still used. Who told Zuko that if he felt he was a boy then he was a boy, and there was nothing that would ever stop her from loving him. The woman who told Zuko and Azula that she loved them every day, down to her final words.

His first protector.

And now, here she was, frail and battered, looking at him with unclear eyes. Eyes that did not recognize him. Body tense, frightened, by the presence of her oldest child.

“Mother?” Zuko reached out a hand again, and his mother balked and tried to squirm away from the touch, breathing heavily. “Mom, it’s me, it’s Zuko! Please, it’s me!” The moment he touched her, she began to scream and flailed her arms in front of her body. His need to grab hold of her intensified, fueled by desperation. “Mama, please, _it’s me, I love you,_ _please_!” He was crying now, and she was trying to push him away and continuing to scream. “ _MAMA PLEASE, PLEASE MAMA IT’S YOUR SON YOUR BAOBEI PLEASE._ ” He was vaguely aware that he was screaming too now, and others had entered the room. His mother had thrown herself off the bed and was shuffling back into a corner, and he was crawling after her, tears blurring his vision. Someone, the cell guards, his guards, his secretary, he didn’t know, was speaking, but all he could hear was the rushing of blood in his head and his mother’s screams. Her terrified screams that he had heard in his nightmares. Horrifying screams, as if she was being tortured. As if _he_ was torturing her. She was scared of _him_. His loving, beautiful, strong mother, reduced to nothing but screams that he was causing her to make. _He_ did this, _Zuko_ had done this to his mother and he had to fix it, make her safe, make her herself, push aside this other person in her body and find _his mama_ again, he had to, he had to, he had to, he had a grasp on her uniform and was pulling her towards him while she struggled he tried to pull her properly into a hold and she was _screaming_ and suddenly he was getting farther from her and something was pulling him away and he was screaming too and suddenly the door was shut and arms were letting him go and he was still screaming and _she_ was still screaming and someone was speaking and he had to get back to her and he had to-

“Hey buddy, I need you to focus on me now ok, ok? You’re going – _Sen, do we still have some of that sedative?_ \- to be ok, _she’s_ gonna ok, but you’re both going to get hurt- _send for a medic will you?-_ I really need you to breathe for me, nice deep breaths ok?” One of the guards from his mother’s cell was sitting in front of him, holding his face in one hand and another holding his hand over her chest while she breathed deeply, nothing like his rapid pants. “Zuko, you like being called just Zuko right? That’s what my friends in the palace tell me, Zuko I need you to breathe for me so we can take care of your mom together, yeah? She’s safe now, she’s just scared and hurting inside her head, but you’re going to be able to help her, I know you want to, but we can’t do that if you aren’t able to breathe right. There you go, you’re doing great, that’s it.” Soon his vision was clearing, and he was able to parse out the other voices around him. He stared at the closed door in front of him, desperately trying not to cry again as he thought about what was just on the other side. It opened suddenly, startling him, but only the second cell guard came out.

“She’s asleep for now, hopefully for a few hours.”

The guard still sitting with Zuko nodded. She turned back to Zuko, and sensing that he was now aware of his surroundings, dropped her hands into her own lap. “We had no idea who she was. We had guesses, but nothing solid. All we knew was that she was Ozai’s ‘special prisoner’.”

Zuko tore his eyes from the door to look at her. “How long?”

She frowned grimly. “We think nearly ten years. We’ve only been assigned to her for about five, but after talking to others we think it was not long after Ozai came to power.”

“Ten years.” Zuko felt his throat closing up again.

“We’ve been doing our best to take care of her, because she is clearly unwell, but she needs real help, professional help.”

“Ten years.” Zuko whispered again.

“Zuko,” The second guard was sitting next to him now. “What would you like us to do?”

He stared for a few moments, still wrapping his brain around everything. A few more steadying breaths, and he slowly made to stand. His legs felt shaky, like he had just run for miles. He stepped forward and leaned against the door of his mother’s cell, resting his head on the wood for a moment.

 _Give me the strength I need_ he prayed to Agni, _help me fix this._

“You gave her a sedative, yes? Enough that she will sleep for a few hours?” He forced himself to look towards the group behind him.

“Yes sir, at least two.” The guard, Sen, responded immediately.

He nodded. “There’s a mental hospital, just north of the city. They’re caring for my sister there, we’ll take her straight there, before she wakes up.” Zuko opened the cell door and stared at his mother’s sleeping body. 

“Zhang,” He addressed one of his personal guards. “Please go make sure the carriage is ready to go, we will meet you there soon.” No one stopped Zuko as he went back into the cell and took his mother in his arms. She weighed so little, no more than a child. Toph certainly weighed more. 

The walk to the carriage and the ride to the hospital seemed a blur, Zuko’s focus on the sleeping form of his mother and every point of physical contact where he held her. He barely registered entering the building and speaking to the staff, and it was only when someone made to take his mother from his arms that he came back to the present moment. 

One of the nurses laid a gentle hand on his arm. “We’ve got her now, we’ll take care of her.” He gave a curt nod and allowed another staff member to take his precious cargo, and gave his mother a gentle kiss on the forehead before they took her through a set of double doors. The doctor, the same one treating Azula, assured Zuko that she would be in a private ward, and that he would send a report of his initial findings by the following morning. And like that, he was back in the carriage, on his way back to the palace. He hadn’t asked to go there, but there was so much running through his head that he didn’t argue. There were tears falling from his eyes again, and his guards and his secretary were kind enough not to point it out.

The tears had dried by the time he reached his office, where the two guards from his mother’s cell were waiting. They would reappear as the two women told him the story of his mother’s imprisonment, but he encouraged them to continue. As far as they could make out from the stories of other guards and his mother’s own nonsensical babbling over the years, she had been imprisoned for taking part in a plot to invade the palace a few months after Ozai’s rise to power.

“She always said she was trying to get ‘them’ out. That she needed to keep ‘them’ safe. I suppose that she meant you and your sister.” Ahn, the guard who had calmed Zuko down, remembered.

There had been no official trial or booking, she just appeared one day, and the guards were told to deny her presence to anyone from the outside. Ozai would occasionally appear and beat her. As the years went by, her mental state declined, either from the violence or the isolation. When Ahn and Sen and a few other kindhearted guards had been assigned to her a few years back, they did their best to take care of her and treat her like a human. They helped her to bathe, encouraged her to eat, and kept her company. Whatever they could do to make her life less miserable. After all, it was more than evident that she didn’t belong there, and was only being kept as Ozai’s personal toy.

“There are no words to express my gratitude.” Zuko finally spoke. He consciously willed himself to unclench his jaw and release the white knuckled fists clenched in his lap. “You and the other guards will be generously compensated for your care of my mother.” He rose from his seat and gave a deep bow, meaning to thank them and grant them their leave, but the two did not move. Instead, they once again exchanged an unspoken conversation and turned back to Zuko.

“There…there is something else you need to know.” Sen started slowly.

“We have never told anyone about this, not even the other guards, or our families.” Ahn added. Zuko sat, and gestured for them to continue.

“When Ozai visited your mother…he wouldn’t always just abuse her with beatings. He would…well he would occasionally…violate her.”

“Violate?”

Sen looked helplessly to Ahn, who continued for her. “He would rape her, sir.”

Zuko felt all the air leave his lungs.

“We and the other guards were assigned to her because she became pregnant, and the warden felt it would be wise to have female guards attending to her.”

His stomach tangled in knots.

“Ozai wanted her to be taken care of while she was carrying, and he didn’t beat her during that time. He would just come in and frighten her, and made it clear that he meant to kill the child as soon as it was born, and planned to make her watch.” Ahn herself was now close to tears, and Sen picked up where she left off.

“We wished we could do something, but we knew there wouldn’t be anything we could do once the child was born. But then, well Agni must have simply heard our prayers.” She took a breath. “When your mother gave birth, she passed out right after, likely from malnutrition and stress. No one else knew the baby had been born. So we snuck her out.”

Zuko’s heart was pounding. “Her?”

Sen nodded. “It was a little girl. Perfectly healthy. We couldn’t let her be killed, not an innocent life like that. So we smuggled her out of the prison. Reported that the baby had been stillborn. Ozai believed it, and so did your mother.”

Ahn jumped back in. “We brought her to an orphanage in the city, Agni’s Promise. Your mother’s mind was going, but not quite gone yet, and occasionally she would forget Ozai’s threats and talk to the baby about what their life would be like. She had picked names. We gave the orphanage the name she picked for a girl, Kiyi.”

The image of a young girl with his mother’s smile came into Zuko’s mind. “Where is she now? Is she still at the orphanage?”

“Yes, we’ve kept tabs on her through the years,” Ahn answered. “She’s a happy little girl, still at the orphanage, and kept as well as they can with the resources they have.” She shrugged. “They don’t have much, but the children are treated kindly.”

“She turned four a few months ago.” Sen added. “I don’t know if you plan to reach out to her or not, but we thought you ought to know that she’s out there.”

Zuko nodded slowly, and then quicker as his mind raced, thoughts formulating and multiplying as he stood and walked out of the room, not even bothering to dismiss the two women. He headed towards the palace exit, ignoring all those who passed or stared. 

At some point he broke out into a run. 

He had failed Azula. He had failed his mother.

He would not fail this child too.

As he raced down the palace steps, he spotted his personal secretary, a young man named Kito, about to get into carriage.

“Kito! Let’s go!” He called out without bothering to stop. The man turned in surprise, and Zuko barely caught the roll of his eyes and Zuko ran past him and the carriage. Zuko hoped that Kito was used to Zuko’s abrupt plans and would follow him without question. He didn’t turn to check, and only noticed the man’s running footsteps keeping up right behind him once they were in the city proper. His only thoughts were getting to the child. 

“I don’t suppose you are going to tell me what’s going on?” Kito finally shouted over the noise of the marketplace once Zuko stopped to take stock of the streets. A few people took second glances at the two, suddenly recognizing the young Fire Lord, but Zuko started moving again before anyone actually approached him.

“Agni’s Promise orphanage!” Zuko called back. “It’s around here somewhere!”

He barely caught Kito’s muttered response as he yanked on Zuko’s robe and pulled him down the correct street, “I suppose that’s the most information I’m going to get out of you…” 

Moments later they came to a stop in front of a modest building with a gate enclosing a small patch of dirt that technically constituted a yard. Zuko stared at the sign above the door, catching his breath. His mind had been racing like a hurricane, but he hadn’t actually put together a logical, detailed plan besides _identify Kiyi, take Kiyi home_. Zuko was used to someone else putting together the details once he had already charged headfirst into an impulsive situation. Thinking through details was for things he had actually time to contemplate. Like the national budget. 

Anyway.

“Sir?” Zuko was pulled from his thoughts. “Zuko you wanna share what’s going on upstairs? Like, at all? Or are we just having an unexplainable Zuko breakdown?”

“Um.” Another part of his plan that had not been thought through: telling others about his sudden unexpecting sister. Besides just the tragic reason for her existence, there was the risk of revealing another contender to the throne, a small child that others may seek to manipulate. He trusted Kito, but he didn’t want to put him in the situation of keeping a secret of this magnitude. Not that he had an idea for an alternative explanation. He settled for trusting Kito to trust him. He could deal with the consequence of passive aggressive comments. “I think, you stay out here? I’m going to go talk to someone, and I’ll let you know if I need you to step in. I think you probably will? Just for, like, finalizing some stuff? But, um, this first part I think I need to do myself.” He received a sigh and crossed arms in response, but after a brief staredown, Kito gave another huff and jerked his head in the direction of the door.

Zuko knocked on the door, and was quickly greeted by a young teenager, whose eyebrows rose in immediate recognition and silently pointed Zuko in the direction of the matron’s office when asked. There were children of all ages running around, and none gave much mind to the strange man wandering through. Zuko’s mind gently supplies the thought that one of them might be his little sister. Would he know her immediately if he saw her?

Before he had time to continue entertaining the train of thought, he was at a door marked _Office_. He realized how far he had come since the start of his day, fewer hours gone than it felt.

And yet every moment he hesitated was another moment without his little sister under his protection. He couldn’t fail this innocent child, not like he failed Azula. 

He gave a soft knock, and entered when an older voice beckoned. There was a woman with hair that had long since greyed, pulled up into a no-nonsense bun, sitting at a desk covered with loose papers and scrolls. She was intently studying a paper in front of her, and barely looked up as Zuko entered. She glanced up again when Zuko didn’t immediately speak, and shot up from her seat in surprise.

“My lord!” She quickly fell into a bow. “To what honor do I owe this visit?”

He rushed forward, waving his hands to dismiss her bow. “Please, there’s no need to be so formal. I-I need your assistance, please sit.” The woman tried to offer her worn, but slightly nicer seat, but Zuko quickly made his point by settling into the creaky wooden seat across the desk. “Is there a child here named Kiyi? She would be four years old?”

“Why, yes my lord. She’s been here since birth, sweetest child you’ll ever meet.” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why do you ask?” Zuko felt his heart squeeze at the affection in the woman’s voice at the mention of the girl, and the concern at Zuko’s inquiry. 

“I intend to take her back to the palace with me.” The matron’s eyes went wide. “Well- I guess- adopt her? Would be the appropriate term? Yeah, I’m looking to adopt her. Today.”

The matron’s eyes had narrowed once again, and her mouth was set in a hard line, suddenly giving Zuko flashbacks to the governesses in charge of him and Azula. He sat up straighter, feeling suddenly intimidated. 

“I’m not sure that would be possible, particularly on such short notice.” Her tone was now short and clipped.

Zuko’s heart sunk. “Please, it’s very important. There are, um, extenuating circumstances.”

The woman’s face remained unchanged. “I would appreciate if you shared them, my lord.”

He sighed, and mulled over his choices. On one hand, the fewer people who knew the truth, the better. But on the other hand, this is the woman who raised Kiyi, and deserved to have some amount of explanation.

“It has recently come to my attention,” He chose his words carefully. “That Kiyi is actually a long lost member of the royal family. Given the environment of the palace over the last hundred years, her parents-“ _Intended to murder her at birth or would have been powerless to stop it from happening._ “Felt that they could not raise her properly, and it would be safer for her to be raised as an anonymous child. I intend to give her back the life she deserves, royalty with everything she could ever ask for.” The matron’s eyes softened, just as Zuko felt the familiar pricking of tears in his eyes. “I understand that this is a strange circumstance, but I really just want the best for her. I want, no I _need_ , to protect her, give her everything she deserves. I haven’t even met her yet, but I know I would do anything for her, and-and I don’t exactly know anything about raising a child, Agni knows I didn’t have the best role models, but I’m determined to try, and-and-and…” 

Zuko knew he was rambling. He also knew that the weight of the day was quickly catching up to him, and the string of holding him together was close to snapping. He could only imagine how he looked, a disheveled crying teenager playing at bring a responsible adult, begging to take home a child he had never even met.

Aside from Zuko’s stuttering breathing, the room was silent for a moment. A cautious hand reached across the desk, and gently rested on Zuko’s arm in a motion of comfort.

“I’m sorry for my insistence.” The woman’s firm demeanor had dropped entirely. Zuko could imagine how she might speak to a child in her care. “You have to excuse my caution, you are not the first noble to come to me and demand the adoption of a small, innocent child.” Zuko gasped, but the woman waved off his concern. “Other orphanages might be swayed by the deep pockets of such perverts, but I prefer to sleep soundly at night.”

She leaned back, taking her comforting hand with her, and sat back against her chair. Her arms crossed and she gave Zuko a quiet stare, as if she was inspecting him, before giving a short curt nod. “Kiyi always had the air of nobility about her. Not in a bad way. She stands up for others, and just seems to have this grace that you don’t see in regular child found on the streets.” Her eyes met Zuko’s firmly. “What exactly would you have her do in the palace anyway?”

Zuko thought for a moment, trying to recall his childhood lessons on the duties of the royal family. He supposed that princesses typically wouldn’t have much to do, at least until they were married. Mother had duties regarding the management of the palace staff, which she had explained were usually the responsibility of the Fire Lady. But Grandmother Ihlah had passed long before Zuko was born, and he has very few memories of Auntie Lien, so the duties had to go to the next highest ranking woman. He couldn’t imagine that Azula had been given any of the household duties after mother left ( _was banished, was taken, was imprisoned, was tortured_ ) and the duties she _was_ given were certainly not normal duties of a royal princess. 

In the end, he just shrugged. “I suppose she would have a certain amount of freedom to do whatever she pleased, obviously she would get an education fit for a princess, but otherwise…she could just be a child. The palace staff often bring their children by after school and on the holidays, so she would have plenty of playmates.”

“Would she be expected to receive a royal education along with a practical one? After all, your adoption would place her in line to be crown princess.”

A chill washed over Zuko. He shook his head furiously. “No. Absolutely not.” He spoke before he fully processed his thoughts. “I don’t want that life for her. I wouldn’t want her to grow up expecting to be Fire Lord. Not because she couldn’t, but because she doesn’t deserve that burden.“ He paused, considering. “I don’t suppose any of the officials would let her if I wanted her to be in line anyway. They have strict rules about the royal bloodline, and she would be adopted.”

The matron cocked an eyebrow. “Except that you said that she was a long lost royal relative. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe you have many other living relatives that would be considered for the line.”

He did say that. Shit. The woman was waiting for him to explain, and he didn’t have a particularly good explanation that wasn’t “she’s technically in line for the throne but I don’t want her to be and also I don’t want anyone to know who she really is because of reasons”. He wasn’t sure she would like that.

“The thing is,” The partial truth would have to do. “I don’t want anyone to know she’s actually a long lost relative. You’re right, there are few others who could take my place if I keeled over and died right now. And if people knew she was a possible contender…well you already mentioned how interested some nobles might be in a young, impressionable child, especially one who could give them more power. I would prefer for her to have a real childhood, without people vying for her favor. So her true identity would be a secret, she would simply be my adopted child with no blood relation, and therefore not in line.”

“Would that be possible to actually achieve?”

“Right now there are only four people who know her true identity, you, me, and the two people who told me.” _Technically three_ , he thought. _You know only half of the truth_. “That’s how I plan to keep it.”

Slowly, the woman nodded. “Alright. Would you like to do the paperwork now, or after you actually meet Kiyi?”

Zuko nearly fell over in surprise. “You’ll actually let me?” He gasped. “I can take her home? Can I take her today?”

“You’ve proven your intentions my lord. Kiyi deserves a proper home, and the royal palace will have to do if you plan on protecting her the way you’ve described.”

Zuko was smiling so wide he felt his cheeks begin to burn. “Yes, absolutely, I won’t let you down!” He stood quickly from his chair, nearly knocking it over in the process. “I’d like to meet her now, if that’s alright. I’ll let my secretary take care of the paperwork, he’s right outside.” 

“If you’ll follow me,” The matron rose from her own chair. “I’ll take you to the meeting room. That’s where potential adopters visit with the children, so you’ll have more privacy than other parts of the building. Then I’ll bring in your secretary to discuss paperwork.” Zuko followed her a few doors down, to a dusty room with a table and a few chairs. Clearly, the orphanage saw few potential adopters.

“Our whole conversation has taken me quite far from proper hosting decorum, would like you like some tea?” Zuko shook his head. The adrenaline of his initial desperation was waning, and now he felt dread creeping up instead. He was an eighteen year old in charge of a nation and he was moments away from meeting a sister he didn’t know existed until an hour ago and would be adopting as his own child. He didn’t know anything about children, or how to take care of them. If he had learned anything from travelling the world and making real friends, it was that he had not had a normal childhood. How was he supposed to provide one for someone so important?

“Ma’am?” The matron turned from the door as Zuko suddenly spoke up. “Do you-well do you think-will she like me?” 

The woman gave him a soft smile. “Kiyi has never been known to hate anyone except bullies. She’ll like you just fine.” With that, she closed the door and left Zuko alone.

The following minutes were some of the most stressful of Zuko’s entire life. Which was ridiculous, considering everything he’s ever been through. But according to his therapist, his brain wasn’t very good at rationalizing stressful situations, and tended to see all of them as either life threatening or fully harmless. Which was why he either broke down or disregarded all self-preservation at the first sign of trouble.

Shit, his therapist is going to be pissed when she hears about this.

Before he could spiral further, the door opened, and Azula walked in.

Well not Azula. But certainly what Azula looked like as a very young child. A little softer around the edges perhaps. And with a smile that Azula might have used before Ozai infected her mind. 

Fair skin, long black hair pulled back, brown eyes so light they could be polished bronze, and Mother’s nose.

For a moment he couldn’t even breathe.

“You look very fancy. Are you important?” The little girl inquired as she approached Zuko confidently. She took Zuko’s arm before he could answer, and felt the fabric of his robes, babbling about the silky texture. Zuko still hadn’t found his words when she looked up at him with a smile that could heal the nations. “Your hair thingy is really shiny!”

Zuko plucked the crown from his head. “Would you-do you wanna try it on?”

Kiyi nodded. “Yeah.” She didn’t have a top-knot, but Zuko was able to attach it awkwardly to her ponytail. “How do I look?”

Zuko couldn’t help but smile back at her. “Very pretty.”

She spun in a circle, nearly dislodging the hairpiece. “I can’t check in a mirror, but I’ll believe you!” Kiyi nearly fell as she completed her twirl. “Do you wear it all the time, or is it just for special times?”

The teenager plucked the hairpiece back as Kiyi steadied herself. “I think I should only have to wear it for special times, but people say I’m important, and the crown is to make people remember that I’m important.” He wasn’t sure how his voice was so steady. The little girl seemed to have pushed aside every nervous thought in his brain. It was like she had known him her whole life, and her ease bled into Zuko’s body.

“Well that sounds dumb.” Zuko couldn’t help but chuckle at the honest response. “If you wear it all the time, it won’t be special anymore! People shouldn’t need it to remember you if you’re all that important.”

“You know what, I think you’re right.” Zuko watched as Kiyi traced the edges of the crown in his hands. “I think you should tell that to all the stuffy people who annoy me.”

“Ok!” The blinding smile was back, and Zuko’s heart squeezed in his chest. “What’s your name?”

“Zuko.”

“I’m Kiyi. What do you do that’s so important?”

“I work in the royal palace,” Kiyi’s eye’s widened. “I help people. Or, well, I try to help people.”

Kiyi nodded in a way that was comically solemn. “That sounds really important. Why aren’t you at the palace right now?”

“Well…” How was he supposed to explain this whole situation to a child? He could barely explain it to anyone else who had asked so far. He thought for a moment longer. 

“We have a problem at the palace, and I think you might be able to help with it. You see, the palace doesn’t have any princesses anymore, and it makes the people there sad. They want a princess who can make them smile.”

Kiyi cocked her head. “You want me to help you find a princess?”

Zuko chuckled. “No, I would like _you_ to be a princess.”

The little girl went very quiet, then whispered, “Me?”

Zuko nodded. “If you’re up for it.”

Kiyi appeared to consider. “What would I have to do?”

“Well it’s a very tough job,” Zuko schooled his face into a serious look. “You would have to wear beautiful clothes and a crown sometimes, and have lots of fun. The people in the palace are happy when they see a princess being happy, so you will have to do things that make you happy too.”

Kiyi broke out into giggles. Zuko joined her.

Suddenly, Kiyi put on her own serious face. “It sounds like hard work, but Miss Annya says that we should always try our best.” She kept the look on for a second longer before breaking out into giggles again.

She took Zuko’s hands in her own. “Are you really going to make me a princess?” She whispered. 

He nodded. “Yes.”

By the time Kito and Miss Annya were done with the paperwork, Zuko and Kiyi had determined that they were both hungry, and they should find some noodles. Kito rolled his eyes when Zuko waved him off and told him to return to the palace and have the staff begin preparations for the newest member of the royal family. He gave the Fire Lord a look that said _stay out of trouble_ , and began the walk back. Zuko knew Kito would probably send some guards to tail him just in case, but at least he could be trusted to take care of himself for a little while. 

Zuko and Kiyi found a stand selling spicy noodles, and the two shared on a nearby curb, bystanders not giving the pair a second glance. After eating their fill, they wandered through the marketplace, chatting about nothing and everything, Zuko restraining himself from buying Kiyi every item she fancied. 

(He only bought her _most_ of the items she fancied)

They must have visited nearly every shop and stall in the market district, because the sun was beginning it’s decent over the horizon, and Kiyi stopped in the middle of her speech about fireferrets to yawn. Without a second thought, Zuko scooped her up into his arms, balancing her on his hip as he began the walk back to the palace. She rested her head on his shoulders, and Zuko held her just a little tighter. 

_So this is what love feels like._

The palace staff had clearly been warned about Zuko’s afternoon acquisition, but many still looked surprised to see the Fire Lord walk through the halls with a small sleeping child in his arms. Two stammering maids approached him and apologized that they had been unable to finish putting together a room fit for a new princess, but there was a guest room prepared so she would at least have somewhere to sleep. 

Zuko shook his head, the guest suites were quite far from the royal ones. He thanked the maids, and informed them that Kiyi would simply sleep in his room for the night, so she would not become upset if she woke up disoriented and confused about where she was. They raised their eyebrows in surprise, but did not say another word.

Once they were back in the royal suite, Zuko dug out an old tunic and helped a half-asleep Kiyi to put in on in lieu of a nightdress. He tucked her into his bed, and bid her goodnight, telling her that he would be doing some work in the next room if she needed him, but he would come to bed soon. She gave a sleepy nod, and Zuko couldn’t help sweeping the hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ear. He stood from where he was kneeling next to her and moved to leave when a tiny hand caught his. 

Kiyi gave him a nervous look when he turned back to her, and seemed to be considering her next words.

“Zuko?” She finally whispered. “Are you my Baba now?”

Zuko found himself nodding before actually considering the consequences of letting his baby sister believe he was her father.

“Yeah, yeah I am.”

What else was he supposed to say? 

Kiyi gave him a sleepy smile. “Goodnight Baba.”

And Zuko certainly didn’t expect to feel quite this much at hearing the term addressed to him.

“Goodnight Princess Kiyi.”

He made to move again, but Kiyi hadn’t let go of his hand yet.

“I love you Baba.”

Oh.

_Oh._

He definitely hadn’t expected the overwhelming emotions that came with _that_ statement.

But what else could he say in response but, “I love you too.”

His hand was finally released, but he didn’t move this time. He watched as Kiyi’s breathing evened out, and she entered whatever world little girls go to when they sleep. Only then, did he leave the room – door left ajar- and go to his private study, where he promptly sat down and cried.

Cried for his mother. Cried for Kiyi’s existence. Cried for the incredible light the girl was in spite of the terrible way she came to be. Cried for the love that immediately washed over him when they met. Cried for the fact that this child who knew nothing about him or what he had ever done trusted him implicitly. _Loved him_ implicitly, after only knowing him for an afternoon. Nervous that he wouldn’t want to be her Baba. Ozai had never allowed them to use the term of endearment, and Lu Ten had only used it in private. 

He cried because he didn’t deserve this chance to make things right. Or maybe he cried because a part of him thought that he did deserve happiness. Because for all the heartache brought by the morning, his afternoon with Kiyi had been the happiest he had been in a long time. 

He cried because he was scared of messing up. And he cried because Kiyi didn’t seem to care. 

Eventually, he ran out of tears, and concluded that no work was actually going to be accomplished that evening, so he prepared for bed. He slid quietly under the sheets next to his baby sister- no, his _daughter_ \- and gently took her hand, feeling her soft heartbeat. He fell asleep like that not long after, his last thoughts on the miracle next to him.

\----------------------------------

Kiyi stood outside her dad’s office, finalizing her resolve. She didn’t bother to knock, knowing he didn’t have any meetings scheduled. Finally opening the door, she saw a cluttered desk covered with papers, and one Fire Lord sitting with his elbows on the table, talking very seriously to a baby sitting on what was probably trade agreements. He looked up at the fifteen year old as she approached the desk.

“Hey Ki, ‘Zumi and I were just discussing the merits of punching Minister Hu in the face. She’s vicious, she thinks I should go for the nuts instead.”

“Pretty bold move for someone only fourteen months old.”

“She gets it from Sokka, who, speaking of, have you seen recently? He told me he was going to stop by and take Izumi for a few hours so I could get some work done. Because he knows that I’m lying when I say that I can get work done and also entertain the baby.”

Kiyi shook her head. “Haven’t seen him. Want me to?”

Zuko poked Izumi’s belly, causing her to squeal in delight. “Nah, I don’t actually want to do work.” Izumi grabbed at his face and babbled. “Did you need something, or did you just stop by to say hi?”

The teenager picked up the desk baby and sat down with Izumi on her lap, playing with her hands instead of meeting her dad’s eyes. “Sort of. It’s just that. Well.” She finally forced herself to look up at her dad’s questioning eyes. “I’ve been doing some research, because I noticed something while doing my royal history lessons.”

Zuko nodded, requesting her to continue. Kiyi technically didn’t require any royal lessons because she wasn’t in line for the throne (the drooling baby was in charge of that), but she had always held an interest in history, and Zuko had thought it would be useful for her to have at least some knowledge of the royal ancestors as she got older and spent more time with members of the court.

“I’ve found that, well it’s possible,” She slipped her gaze back down to Izumi. “I think you aren’t actually my father.” She muttered the last part, almost afraid to speak the words.

Zuko chuckled. “Well only technically of course. You’ve always known that.” He put out a hand on the desk for her to take, but Kiyi continued to keep both on the squirming baby. “Just because you are adopted and not from my own body like Izumi doesn’t make you any less my daughter. In fact, I like you even better for the fact that I didn’t have to make you myself. Agni, my body hasn’t recovered yet even a year later, and Papa is talking about wanting to have _more_ kids and-“

“That’s not what a meant.” Kiyi interrupted.

“Oh?”

She wished she could stop the words from coming out from her mouth, but she was already in too deep. “You’re not my dad because you’re my brother.”

Zuko’s face settled into something complicated. A bit of sadness, a bit of guilt, a bit of surprise. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Silence fell between the two, only interrupted by the baby noises of Izumi, who had decided that she no longer wanted to be held, and slid out of Kiyi’s grip to toddle around the room.

“I’m so sorry Kiyi.” Zuko finally whispered

“So it’s true.”

Zuko nodded.

Silence descended once again.

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

“Yes. When you were older.”

Kiyi finally met her brother’s eyes. “Why not sooner?”

Zuko let out a slow breath. “It’s a very sad story.”

Kiyi found that she wasn’t surprised.

“Will you still tell me one day?”

Another nod. “Yes.”

“Ok.”

The older man appeared surprised at her acceptance. Perhaps he expected her to demand an explanation right then.

Izumi picked that moment to decide that she no longer wanted to be cooped up in the special office, and started banging on the doors with an annoyed cry. Kiyi willed herself to stand and gather up the tiny girl in her arms.

“I’ll take her to Papa, so you can get some actual work done.”

“Ok.” Zuko’s voice sounded much smaller than she was used to.

“Maybe, we can talk more later? You don’t have to tell me everything, but, just. Some things?”

Zuko finally gave her a soft smile. “I would like that.”

Kiyi found herself able to return the smile.

“Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“I love you Baba.”

Tears were gathering in his eyes, and she felt some in her own.

“I love you too Princess.”

**Author's Note:**

> it takes some time for the two to work through Kiyi's identity and past, but at the end of the day, Zuko is still her Baba, even if he's her brother too.
> 
> Also four year olds telling people they barely know that they love them is a real thing i have experienced in my classroom and it never fails to make me laugh, like parker you have been in my class for two hours
> 
> I've just been having a lot of thoughts about single dad zuko accidentally acquiring kiyi, I have a modern au in my mind with those two and sokka walking into their complicated life. In all my versions, kiyi decides that zuko is her dad bc a dad is a man who takes care of you and loves you and thats what zuko is, its just a title (people are very confused and put off when she refers to him as "dad" and "brother" in the same breath)
> 
> Anyway, as always me best writing seems to appear when i should be asleep, such as at one am and also ten thirty am this morning. what else is new.
> 
> Please leave spare serotonin in the comments, need it after writing this


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